Losing a loved one is an experience that shapes us in profound ways, leaving a lasting imprint on our hearts and minds. Among the most significant losses we can face is that of a parent, a pillar of strength and guidance in our lives. As a daughter who has experienced the deep sorrow of losing her father, I want to share my journey of coping with this immense loss and finding ways to keep his memory alive.

It’s been 1 month exactly since I found out about my dad passing away. There is something about that deep feeling of knowing when something is out of the norm and seeing my brother call me at 9:23 PM PST/12:23 AM EST was not normal. I knew. The same way I knew when my brother had passed away in 2016 as I saw my sister Haley’s name blink across my screen at 5 in the morning. I have only cried for my dad like I did that evening once before when I was 3 years old. I curled up with a towel, sobbed, and called for him knowing he could not hear me and would not come. It’s a cry that only a daughter would know.

I used to think my grandeddy would walk me down the aisle but when he passed away in 2012, I leaned heavily on my dad to build a better relationship because he was the main man in my life. It took a lifetime of conversations for us to get to where we were in 2017. We had to make decisions to talk honestly and without reservations. When we made that decision, we became closer than I could have ever imagined. He became the dad I always needed him to be. I am forever grateful to him for that. It took cancer to bring him to the right mindset and to allow me the level of forgiveness it would take to move forward. We did. We took cancer by the reigns and we rode it until the breaks fell off.

My 2022 was filled with 3 AM, 4 AM, 5 AM calls from surgeons, nurses, and cancer center staff as dad tackled his fourth return of cancer. We stopped talking on the phone because it was incredibly hard to hear him with his electrolarynx. We used writing as our main form of communication which also helped us to say more than what we normally would. But on July 17th, he asked me to call him. I did, not knowing it would be the last time I ever spoke to my dad. He told me the cancer had returned and spread to other parts of his body and organs so I prepared myself for my early morning calls. By that Tuesday, they started up again. “Miss Alston, we are calling to let you know your dad, Nicholas Prince, is scheduled for…”

I loved my daddy more than I can fathom. He had just turned the young age of 58 on July 10. My sweet Cancer hippie with knowledge that could fill a coliseum. He inspired me to be free, wild, adventurous, a reader, self-sufficient, and a lover. He could talk endlessly for hours at a time and no one would interrupt because he would only be laying down facts and a wealth of information that kept the listener engaged and enthralled. He hosted people from all over the world at his farm and most importantly, he was loved.

His ashes are spread all over the farm now so he is a part of it. I kept a small urn of my dad’s ashes that I will one day release in Europe per his wishes but for now it feels good to have a small piece of my daddy with me in my room.

A Bond Beyond Measure: My Father’s Impact

From the earliest days of my life, my father was my hero, protector, and confidant. He was the one who taught me the value of books, who opened my eyes to the outdoors, and who always had a listening ear when I needed to talk about my dreams, fears, and triumphs. His wisdom, kindness, and unwavering support shaped the person I am today.

Navigating the Storm: Coping with Grief

When the unthinkable happened and my father passed away, it felt as though my world had crumbled. The intense grief was like an overwhelming storm that I had to navigate through. There were days when I didn’t think I could muster the strength to face the world without him by my side. But slowly, I began to understand that the pain of his loss was a testament to the depth of the love we shared. Lots of people have their opinions on how you’re supposed to grieve but the truth is, there is no right answer. I felt like I tried to rush out of grief and was quickly slowed down when it caught up with me. The best medicine I have found is to sit in the grief and feel it completely, without judgement or a time limit. I loved him deeply so my grief is deep. I feel like he tried to prep me as best as he could but, truthfully, there was no way I could know the pain of losing him. To know he will never walk me down the aisle, to know my children will never meet their amazing grandfather, and to know I cannot ever speak to him again has been excruciating. I planned my life around the people I love so what does a life look like without those people.

Embracing Memories: Keeping His Spirit Alive

As time is passing, I realize that while my dad is no longer physically present, his presence lives on in the memories, lessons, and values he imparted to me. Embracing these memories has become a way to honor his legacy and keep his spirit alive. I have found solace in looking through old photographs, reading the cards and messages he had written me, and sharing stories of his life with others.

Finding Healing in Expression: Writing as Therapy

One of the most cathartic ways I found to cope with my grief was through writing. Putting my thoughts and feelings on paper allowed me to process the complexity of my emotions and find a sense of release. Through journaling and writing letters to my father, I could express my love, regrets, and hopes for the future. This practice not only helped me process my grief but also connected me with others who were going through similar experiences.

Building Bridges: Connecting with Others

Grief can be an isolating experience, but it’s essential to remember that we’re not alone in our pain. Connecting with support groups, therapy, or even online communities can provide a safe space to share our feelings and find comfort in the understanding of others who have walked a similar path. These connections can foster a sense of belonging and help us feel less alone in our journey of healing. I’ve had a friend come visit me and just talk as well as a friend invite me for a day of volleyball in Santa Monica. These small moments meant the world to me. A different friend who lives in another states sent me this quote:

Grief is subversive, undermining the quiet agreement to behave and be in control of our emotions. It is an act of protest that declares our refusal to live numb and small. There is something feral about grief, something essentially outside the ordained and sanctioned behaviors of our culture. Because of that, grief is necessary to the vitality of the soul. Contrary to our fears, grief is suffused with life-force…. It is not a state of deadness or emotional flatness. Grief is alive, wild, untamed and cannot be domesticated. It resists the demands to remain passive and still. We move in jangled, unsettled, and riotous ways when grief takes hold of us. It is truly an emotion that rises from the soul.

Francis Weller

Carrying Forward His Legacy: Living with Purpose

As I continue on my journey without my father’s physical presence, I’m driven by a desire to honor his legacy by living a life that reflects his values and teachings. Every accomplishment, every act of kindness, every book, and every effort to overcome challenges feels like a tribute to his memory. Keeping his lessons alive through my actions keeps him close in spirit, turning my grief into a driving force for positive change.

In Loving Memory: A Tribute That Never Fades

Losing a father is an experience that forever changes us. The pain of his absence is a reminder of the depth of our love, but it’s also an opportunity to transform that pain into a force for good. Through embracing memories, finding solace in expression, and connecting with others who understand our journey, we can carry our father’s legacy forward with grace and purpose. As time goes on, his memory remains a guiding light, reminding us that the bond between a father and daughter transcends physical presence and lives on eternally in the heart.