Let me start by saying, I am not good with confrontation. I never have been. Confrontation is scary, unsettling, and completely takes me out of the safe space I’ve naturally built around myself. I get anxious about it and will put off handling serious situations for days, months, and even years just to avoid hard conversations. Nevertheless, confrontation is an inevitable part of life.

One of my goals this year was to get better at confrontation. To start handling my problems head on, and apply the grace and wit I’ve harnessed to help push me through. It’s easier said than done but at my age, I can no longer avoid issues because I’ve built a life for myself where if problems sit too long in my path, I physically and spiritually become ill. My jaw clenches in my sleep, I have nightmares, and the acne from stress covers my face unapologetically.

Recently, I handled an issue that was sitting on my desk for over 6 months. It was a business issue and in full transparency, I was terrified. I held such strong feelings but whenever I thought about calling, texting, or emailing about it, I would freeze. It finally came to a head in December when a friend saw my reaction to my phone receiving an unwanted text. My energy completely changed. I was depleted. This friend encouraged me to reach out to my resources and network to find the help I needed to give me the backbone I needed to stand my ground. Even that was overwhelming because I was embarrassed to say I had a problem–especially in business.

Eventually, I had a nightmare so bad, I woke up and called a close friend within my network and asked for help. They were quick to help me problem solve and get me the right resources. I was finally given the language I needed to make me feel like I could actually handle the situation. One brick was lifted off of my shoulders but a few still remained.

For the first time in my professional career, I sought the advice of a lawyer. I cannot explain the sheer confidence I felt with her behind me. Luckily, I am very diligent in keeping a record of everything I do so I was able to detail every step of the situation. With the tools I was given, now I needed to actually handle the problem.

One morning, I woke up and decided it was time. I made the call and was met with a very uncomfortable energy. It was uncomfortable and hard. Unfortunately, I was hung up on but I felt like I got one of the choices I desired out of my solutions. Another brick lifted off my shoulders. However, when I was hung up on, it was still not resolved completely. So even though I felt like it was over, I knew it wasn’t.

I waited a few days before contacting once more. I covered myself in grace and put on my wit then went back into the lion’s den. After a brief conversation, it was finally over. My hands were shaking the entire time. When I was done with the conversation, my body was overcome with emotions and I burst into tears. I let them flow and I cried loudly. Eventually, it was over and I felt much better. The last brick was off my shoulders. I never disrespected anyone and I also stood up for myself. This was the growth I wanted to see in myself this year.

Confrontation is never easy and that is why so many people avoid it. However, living in fear is unhealthy and it’s better to arm yourself with the right mindset, tools, people, and coping mechanisms. Whether it’s at work, in a relationship, or with a stranger, we will all encounter situations where we need to stand up for ourselves or address an issue with someone else. While it can be uncomfortable and stressful, confrontation can also be a healthy and effective way to resolve problems and improve relationships. Here are some tips for handling confrontation in a constructive way:

1. Prepare yourself: Before you confront someone, take the time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Try to stay calm and think about the other person’s perspective.
2. Be specific: When bringing up an issue, be specific about what the problem is and how it is affecting you. Avoid generalizations and accusations.
3. Use “I” statements: Instead of blaming the other person, use “I” statements to express your own feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying “You always forget to do the dishes,” say “I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done because it adds more work for me.”
4. Listen actively: Allow the other person to speak and truly hear their perspective. Try to understand where they are coming from and acknowledge their feelings.
5. Focus on the problem, not the person: Remember that the goal is to resolve the problem, not to attack the other person. Keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand and work together to find a solution.
6. Be open to compromise: Be willing to consider different solutions and be open to compromise. Remember that a compromise is a solution that meets the needs of both parties.

Confrontation can be difficult, but with a bit of preparation and the right approach, it can lead to a more positive and productive outcome. Remember to stay calm and focused on the problem, use “I” statements to express your feelings, and be open to compromise. With these tips, you will be better equipped to handle confrontation in a constructive way.